


(in my head) i do everything right

by fir8008



Series: but when i reach for you it's just a supercut [2]
Category: JBJ (Band), Longguo & Shihyun (Band), Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, actually it's probably angst, no it is angst, this was supposed to be fluff but it's not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-05
Updated: 2017-09-05
Packaged: 2018-12-24 03:52:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12004437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fir8008/pseuds/fir8008
Summary: Truthfully, Yongguk is enamored too.





	(in my head) i do everything right

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, hello! 
> 
> So, this was supposed to be a sort of continuation of my other kimbros piece, "all the stages and the stars", but it's not really... though they ended up still being related, but you don't need to read that to understand this. I wanted to take a different writing approach to this pairing and it ended up more angsty than I planned, but we're rolling with it since I've been writing this on and off for about a month and I'm generally satisfied with how it turned out. 
> 
> Again, I made a valiant try to keep the timeline honest, but I think it's not completely accurate. But as this is a work of fiction, I'll give myself a pass. 
> 
> Title taken from Lorde's "Supercut" 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

It’s boiling hot under the sun and Yongguk grimaces at the beads of sweat clinging on the hairs on the back of his neck and the heavy clothes he’s eager to tear off and he just wants to slip into something looser and cooler so he can stop feeling so overheated. 

Sihyun looks like he’s melting away under the oppressive sun as half the stylists crowd him trying to keep him cool while fixing the makeup that melts off him faster than they can put it on him and his hair is dripping with melted wax and sweat and he looks so tiny and miserable. 

Yongguk only feels marginally guilty that he finds Sihyun cute like that. 

If it’s this warm in the early afternoon, Yongguk dreads how hot it will be as the day wears on but they’ll have to grit their teeth and bear it for their jacket photos to come out well. Sihyun emerges from the crowd of stylists ready to shoot and he has a hazy, summery look in his eyes and it makes Yongguk’s heart skip a beat. Yongguk just hopes it isn’t obvious from his face how much Sihyun’s eyes are affecting him so he squints into the sun to force a neutral expression onto his face. He can feel Sihyun’s eyes tracing his features and it’s overwhelming. Sihyun looks too good like that, with his hair long and tousled and him gazing at Yongguk like he’s the only person around. If they were the only people here on this sports field, Yongguk thinks he’d probably lose all self control and push Sihyun down onto the grass and have him under the sweltering sun and endless sky. 

Then again, there are bugs everywhere, so maybe not. 

While Yongguk changes outfits and takes pictures by himself, Sihyun is handed off to a hairstylist to get his hair cut and Yongguk laments he never got to run his hands through Sihyun’s long tousled hair, though perhaps he’d never be able to because of the sheer amount of hairspray Sihyun used anyway. It’s a silly thought, it would probably be too jarring for Sihyun to even enjoy, the feeling of Yongguk’s fingers in his hair. Since they’ve met, Yongguk has been plagued by a constant fear that one day he’ll overstep some invisible boundary between the two of them and scare Sihyun away. 

Sihyun’s beauty overwhelmed him the first time Yongguk laid eyes on him, and the wind got knocked out of him with just a look. He was beautiful and Yongguk couldn’t stop himself from telling him. 

“You’re really handsome.” 

Yongguk saw the way Sihyun’s cheeks flushed pink and Yongguk found himself walking away quickly, not sure what that meant. Yongguk had never looked at a man and thought he was beautiful before, but Sihyun just is. Sihyun has big, clear eyes and a soft looking mouth that Yongguk burns to kiss and it’s the most startling string of thoughts and feelings Yongguk has ever experienced. He doesn’t know how to approach Sihyun, feeling the way he does, has no idea at all so he distanced himself. And yet he didn’t want to let go of Sihyun ever, and when Sihyun left Paju with all of Yongguk’s self confidence every time he was able to visit the dorm all he wanted to do was stay and not let Sihyun out of his sight ever again. 

Yongguk thinks Sihyun is like wine, the more time he spends with Sihyun and the more time he watches Sihyun age, the more beautiful Sihyun becomes to him, and Yongguk becomes more intoxicated by him. But Yongguk can’t help but be distant again, when they’re out there for everyone to see. He doesn’t know when he’s going to slip up and reveal his feelings. Sihyun can do it too easily, he’s so gentle and affectionate but Yongguk is terrified to reciprocate. So he’s a bit short and cold and hopes Sihyun will just get the message and give Yongguk some space to breathe. 

When Sihyun comes back his hair is shorter and the stylists have tousled it again and he looks lovely and windswept and Yongguk’s heart is in his throat just looking. They have to sit on some chairs with overgrown foliage and Yongguk cringes from all the bugs. The staff try to clear the air but Yongguk has to grit his teeth and bear it, but it only gets more trying when the photographer asks Sihyun to rest his head on Yongguk’s shoulder. 

It’s too much, the feeling of Sihyun’s hair on his bare skin, the rough hair sprayed strands scratching his sticky sweaty neck. It’s more trying than the buzzing of hundreds of bugs too close to Yongguk’s face. He can smell Sihyun’s cologne and his own shampoo that Sihyun secretly uses and if the photographer doesn’t hurry it up with this picture Yongguk might snap and start kissing Sihyun right here. Then the photographer will have plenty to take pictures of.

Thankfully, the photographer gets his pictures and in his haste to get away, Yongguk shrugs Sihyun off harshly. He feels a slight shock and when he looks at Sihyun, whose eyes flicker darkly with hurt, and Yongguk tries to apologize but Sihyun is off the chairs and walking away before he can. 

 

They only get busier preparing for debut, filming interviews and the music video and Yongguk’s exhausted to the point where it’s even more trying to be around Sihyun who is still endlessly affectionate towards him even after Yongguk is harsh towards him. Sihyun’s too enticing and everything about him lures Yongguk in and lately Yongguk’s thoughts have been buzzing with the aching need to satisfy his curiosity and find out if Sihyun’s lips taste as sweet as they look. 

They get home the night before the fan meeting and they still have to broadcast a V Live so they climb into Sihyun’s bed and start. Sihyun is chatty as normal and Yongguk tries to play off the way his heart is racing being this close to him as exhaustion. When Sihyun tries to lean on him, Yongguk can’t help but push him away, and Yongguk can hear the strain in his laugh as he whines at Yongguk to stop pushing him away. Yongguk tries to laugh along before rolling himself up in his blanket, trying to keep his distance from Sihyun and at the very least avoid skin to skin contact. Yongguk’s too tired to struggle with his desires now and it’d probably be disastrous if he were to lose it and throw the phone on the floor and roll himself on top of Sihyun and kiss him until they’re both gasping for air. 

As their V Live starts winding down, Yongguk starts planning. He knows Sihyun will stop broadcasting and turn off his phone and then kindly ask Yongguk to leave and get some sleep (granted Yongguk has not already rolled himself the hell out of the room) and that’s when Yongguk will do it. Kiss Sihyun. He’s already feeling flustered about that. 

Sihyun does everything like he predicts, so when Sihyun turns to kick him out, Yongguk throws his blanket over them and catches Sihyun’s lips in a fast kiss. It’s barely a peck, but it sends electric sparks running down Yongguk’s spine as he pulls his blanket off them and rolls back over, stubbornly promising to stay for the night. Sihyun’s hand is on his shoulder, tugging him to roll back over, breathlessly, “Yongguk hyung?” but Yongguk just pecks his lips again fast. It’s dizzying and Yongguk rolls himself back up as he feels Sihyun settle against his shoulder and cautiously wrap one arm around his waist. Yongguk likes this, it’s comfortable, and he finally gives in to his exhaustion, feeling lighter. 

 

Yongguk wakes up and Sihyun isn’t there, the side of the bed he occupied feels empty and cold. Yongguk sits up and wonders if that means anything, if Sihyun’s absence is supposed to be a message that Yongguk overstayed his welcome last night or if it’s just because Sihyun is a morning lark and decided to get up and start his morning. He hears noises from their kitchen, so Yongguk assumes it’s the latter as he gets up, wincing as his feet touch the cold floor, and pads out of Sihyun’s room. 

Sihyun has his back turned to him as he sets up their coffee pot. Yongguk likes this, it’s silly and self-indulgent - Sihyun making coffee, their cats still curled up together and asleep, and Yongguk taking in the view. It’s so calm and domestic but Yongguk’s heart skips a beat as he wraps his arms around Sihyun in a back hug. 

Sihyun jumps as he twists around. “Oh, hyung, you startled me.” 

Yongguk carefully cups Sihyun’s face in his hands, marveling at Sihyun’s soft cheeks and the way he bites nervously at his lower lip. Yongguk dips his head down to kiss Sihyun, and it’s nice to kiss him properly after the fast pecks last night. 

Or, it would be nice if he didn’t feel Sihyun’s hands pressed flat against his chest and pushing Yongguk away. Yongguk breaks their kiss and looks into Sihyun’s dark and confused eyes. “Sihyun?” 

Sihyun wavers a moment. “Hyung… I, I want to know what this means. Why did you kiss me?” 

Yongguk isn’t sure what to do with that because it seems obvious enough to him. He’s seen Sihyun staring at him, and then looking away and pretending he wasn’t whenever Yongguk caught him, but he couldn’t see the way Yongguk always stared back. So Yongguk says it plainly, “I love you.” 

He leans in to kiss Sihyun again but Sihyun turns his head away so Yongguk just catches the side of his face. Yongguk pulls away, confused. “Do you not like me?” he asks. He feels young and stupid asking as Sihyun flushes and continues to not look at Yongguk. 

“No, no, that’s not it, I’m just, I’m just…” Sihyun trails off. Yongguk has never seen this, Sihyun at a loss for words. It makes him nervous. 

Sihyun’s brow is knit and he’s chewing his lower lip and Yongguk can see the gears turning in his head as he searches for what to say. Yongguk is sweating. He still has Sihyun cornered against their kitchen counter while coffee is brewing behind them. Sihyun finally looks up at him and Yongguk’s heart is in his throat. 

“I don’t understand,” is what Sihyun says. “You are always pushing me away but you said you love me?” 

Yongguk isn’t sure what to say. He did have a habit of pushing Sihyun away but he didn’t think Sihyun had taken it to heart like that. 

Sihyun looks at him, his eyes flickering nervously. “Is it just because I am here? And you know that I like you?” 

Yongguk opens his mouth to deny it, of course that isn’t it, he’s been smitten with Sihyun for longer than he can remember, it’s nothing like that at all… 

But Yongguk doesn’t get a chance to because their doorbell rings and they jump apart as Sihyun goes to get the door. It’s their manager. They have schedules to go to. Yongguk goes to pull clothes on as Sihyun splits the coffee into two cups and feeds the cats and Yongguk can’t shake what Sihyun has said to him. Does he really give Sihyun that impression? That he’s just kissing Sihyun because Sihyun is conveniently there? It’s hurtful because it’s so untrue and Yongguk has to make him see that. 

They get into the van and Sihyun hugs his legs up to his chest and closes his eyes. Yongguk just holds his coffee and stares out the window, head spinning. He was always pushing Sihyun away? Well, perhaps it was true, Yongguk did sometimes rebuff Sihyun, but how could he not? Sihyun was incredibly tactile and Yongguk could see how enamored Sihyun was with him. Truthfully, Yongguk is enamored too, but he was just too afraid to express it. 

Yongguk’s mind is still spinning when they get to the music hall and get ushered through hair and makeup and change into their stage outfits. Sihyun doesn’t seem to be affected at all by the morning as he points out that a mosquito has bitten Yongguk’s neck. Yongguk blushes as he rubs the spot and Sihyun just smiles at him. 

They record and Sihyun grimaces backstage at his nerves and his mistake and Yongguk tells him that it’s okay and that he left regrets onstage too. He tries to cheer up Sihyun by taking him to Hotshot’s waiting room to introduce him to Taehyun hyung. He leaves them to chat, Sihyun is always bright and sociable, it’s one of the things Yongguk adores about him.

Taehyun comes up to him later snickering. “So that’s the kind of type you are.” 

“Huh?” Yongguk replies eloquently. 

Taehyun is still snickering. “I wouldn’t have thought you were that type.” 

“What do you mean, hyung?” 

“The push and pull game type.” Taehyun slaps his back affectionately. “I didn’t know.”

“I’m not…” Yongguk begins but Taehyun just laughs and goes to pull Sihyun back over with his arms slung around Sihyun’s shoulders. “He says you never answer his messages. You answer mine!” 

Yongguk wishes he could tell Taehyun to be quiet, that he was making this morning’s situation so much worse by saying things like that, but he couldn’t so he just flusters as Taehyun laughs and calls him cute. Sihyun is smiling brightly but it doesn’t reach his eyes. Yongguk keeps fluttering about uselessly while Taehyun has a good time by himself making fun of Yongguk’s hot and cold behaviors. 

They broadcast a V Live on the drive back and Yongguk stuffs his face with food while Sihyun jokes good naturedly about how he’ll eat at home since he has to hold the phone to do the broadcast. Yongguk stress eats while Sihyun chats. There’s too much running in Yongguk’s mind again and he can’t stop himself from being a little bit curt and Sihyun makes that face at him and Yongguk kicks himself and thinks of Taehyun. The push and pull game type. Yongguk guesses maybe he is that type. 

When they get home, Yongguk unpacks the rest of their food so Sihyun can take his and eat as the cats paw at the hem of his pajama pants and mewl. Sihyun looks calm and peaceful as he eats and Yongguk tries to not stare as he organizes his thoughts. He doesn’t want to say something stupid or unintentionally callous again. 

When Sihyun moves to throw away his rubbish, Yongguk clears his throat anxiously. “Sihyun? Can we talk?” 

Sihyun’s eyes glance him over nervously. “Ah, hyung, I’m tired. Can it wait until tomorrow?” Tomorrow their schedule will be more jam packed than today, so it can’t wait. 

Yongguk swallow a lump in his throat. “Can we talk now? Please. I won’t take long.” 

Sihyun nods slowly as he goes to sit back down. Yongguk reaches for Sihyun’s hands across the table, intertwining their fingers. Sihyun’s hands twitch in his just slightly but Yongguk stubbornly holds on. 

“I didn’t kiss you just because you’re here,” Yongguk says quickly. “I kissed you because I love you and have for a while now.” 

Sihyun’s cheeks are turning pink as he chews his bottom lip. 

“I am sorry I have pushed you away,” Yongguk continues. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” 

“But why do you do it?” Sihyun is looking at the table. “Was Taehyun hyung right? You like to push and pull?”

“No,” Yongguk insists. “I don’t. I just get nervous when you approach me.” 

“So I have pressured you?” 

Yongguk is reeling. Is he stupid? Is he not speaking Korean? “No! No!” Yongguk shakes his head vigorously. “Maybe… maybe we should talk more tomorrow. After we sleep.” 

Sihyun nods as he goes into his room, closing the door behind him. Yongguk sits at the table, feeling shell shocked. He sits there until he can organize his thoughts and finally stands up and goes into Sihyun’s room. 

Sihyun is sitting on his bed and looks up, surprised at Yongguk’s entrance. “Hyung?” 

Yongguk takes Sihyun’s face in his hands and kisses him again until he’s on top of Sihyun. Last night it felt like there was enough room for the two of them to lay side by side but now it feels suffocatingly small as Yongguk kisses Sihyun more passionately until he can feel Sihyun’s fingers grappling against his chest, pushing him away again. “Kim Yongguk!” 

Sihyun’s face is flushed and red and Yongguk thinks he is just so beautiful. “I love you,” he says. “I love you so much. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I hurt you. Please forgive me. Please love me too.” Yongguk punctuates his pleading with tiny pecks. “Please, love me. I’ll do anything. I’ll give you the moon.” 

Sihyun is pushing him away even more. “Don’t,” his voice cracks around the word. “Don’t.” Sihyun pushes Yongguk away and gives himself enough space to sit up. “Please don’t promise to give me things you can’t.” Sihyun’s crying. “Don’t get my hopes up. It’s too cruel.” 

Yongguk doesn’t understand but it’s breaking his heart to see Sihyun cry because of him. So he rises from Sihyun’s bed, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” 

Sihyun wipes at his eyes. “I will forget about this in the morning,” he says tiredly. “Please don’t worry about it.” 

Yongguk goes back to his own room and curls up in his own bed clutching the cats to his chest wondering if they can tell how crushed his insides are.

 

Sihyun is truthful when he says he’ll forget by the morning because he acts like nothing is wrong when they’re at the broadcast station. The only evidence of last night is Sihyun’s puffy eyes which he smiles away and tells the stylist noona he was too excited to sleep. 

They don’t talk about it, even though it pains Yongguk to see Sihyun lie so sweetly instead of throwing him under the bus and explaining that Yongguk made him cry. Sihyun is still affectionate so Yongguk resigns himself to play his push and pull game and rebuff Sihyun sometimes, though he tries to be a little less harsh. Sihyun doesn’t act affected and Yongguk can still feel his gentle stare when Yongguk isn’t looking. It still baffles him and he still doesn’t understand, but maybe he hurt Sihyun more than he thought. 

They’re backstage and Sihyun is asleep on one of the couches. Yongguk lifts his head as gently as he can so he can tuck his bear pillow underneath Sihyun’s head. Yongguk pauses to pet Sihyun’s hair, marveling at the softness and how his heart swells looking at Sihyun’s peaceful sleeping face. He knows it’s not much, but he’s been possessive of his pillow because it was a gift from a photoshoot, so he hopes Sihyun understands the gesture. 

Later, Yongguk sees Sihyun sitting up, hugging the bear pillow and their eyes meet. Sihyun smiles softly and Yongguk hopes it’s enough.

**Author's Note:**

> You can follow me on twitter @jy_kim8008 where I sometimes yell about fanfics


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